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6 Reasons Pandas Are Huge Dumbasses

1. These losers hate having sex

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Literally the most frequent thing you hear about pandas is how rare it is for one to give birth – there are a lot of reasons for this, but the biggest is that pandas mostly just refuse to bang each other. They’re amongst the least horny of all animals, to the degree that their lack of a sex drive is pushing their entire species towards extinction. As a result, humanity as a whole spends tens of millions of dollars per year just tryin’ to get pandas to bone each other.

Here’s a quote from Zhang Zhihe, director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in Chengdu, China, about why male pandas are so stupidly non-horny and hate sex like a bunch of bigtime dumbos:

“The mating time is generally not so long. Sometimes several minutes. The shortest may be 30 seconds. If they don’t like the female’s personality or the females don’t like the male’s personality, they won’t mate. That’s the biggest reason why in captivity the mating is difficult.”

As a result, breeding experts have been forced to get creative with trying to get pandas to jam up on each other’s junk, including:

  • Giving the pandas Viagra
  • Showing them “panda porn” (I am not entirely sure what they mean by this – I presume videos of other pandas taking the one-way train to the bone zone, but it might be regular human porn? Hard to say)
  • Trainers exercising the male pandas legs in a way that’s supposed to get ’em horny as hell

We really don’t ask much of pandas – all we want is for them to go to town on each other’s business and pop out a few babies. And yet they’re having about the same amount of sex as I was having in high school when Paper Mario came out (that is to say, none – although I was also not having any sex BEFORE Paper Mario came out, it’s just that I wasn’t even thinking about sex AT ALL when I was getting into Paper Mario).

2. They’re all just lazy as hell, in addition to not having any sex

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Here’s the thing: pandas hate to have sex, despite that being the one thing humanity wants from them and the thing the future of their species hinges on. But since they’re not doing sex, they must have a lot of other important activities that are keeping them busy in the meantime, right? WRONG.

Pandas are lazy as shit – they spend about 10-12 hours a day sleeping and resting and the rest of the time eating. Yes, that’s right – they spend about 12 hours a day looking for food and eating the food and nap the rest of the day. They are literally just me in high school when Paper Mario came out.

 

3. They’re biologically not meant to be digesting bamboo, but that’s still what these dumbos eat

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Here’s maybe the dumbest things about these dumbass pandas – they spend pretty much all of their day eating for a reason: they love bamboo, but their digestive systems aren’t equipped to process bamboo…because their digestive system is one intended for a carnivorous lifestyle. As in, they should be eating meat, but instead have decided to eat shitty plants all day – and because their stomachs don’t know how to process the shitty plants very well (really they only derive like 17% of the energy from bamboo), they have to eat A TON OF IT to support their existence. As in 30 pounds of bamboo PER DAY on average.

Whereas I only ate like – one bag of Pizza Rolls (max) per meal when I would sit at home playing Paper Mario all weekend and forgetting to shower.

 

4. They shit constantly because of their stupid diet that doesn’t make sense

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The insane diet of pandas has a few results – namely, they shit constantly. That’s right, pandas poop about 40 times a day. They are just lying around in their own feces all the time because they can’t stop shitting because they’ve decided to go vegan even though their digestive tract was never meant for this lifestyle, because they’re a bunch of nature bozos who are too dumb to exist.

Also baby pandas eat their moms’ poop for nutrients and digestive bacteria because of course they do.

 

5. A group of pandas are literally called “An Embarrassment”

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Because OF COURSE THEY ARE.

(note: my dad also referred to me as “an embarrassment” when I didn’t go to senior prom and instead stayed home playing Paper Mario)

 

6. They’re all basically just Winnie the Pooh cosplaying as an Oreo